So far in this series, we have discussed the stress pathway as two steps that we have no control over, after which we have an opportunity to step in and create beneficial change if we choose it.
With this discussion, we have seen how a part of living life is that obstacles will arise, and they will do so in many forms. A few examples particularly relevant to this platform:
- a chronic disease diagnosis
- an infection
- a pandemic that shuts down society and forces us to remain in our homes
Then, when these obstacles appear, we are going to have immediate reactions:
- this can’t be
- I can’t handle this
- grab the wine
These thoughts and feelings are going to arise immediately. We don’t have any control over it. It’s simply a part of the human experience.
What we do have control over is what happens next, because from this point on, we have a choice – a choice to allow the body to continue along with what it had chosen, or a choice to take a different course of action.
This post is dedicated to helping us all make that choice.
The Stress Management Pathway
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Body perceives obstacle
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Body respondes automatically to the obstacle
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Conscious acknowledgement of automatic (subconscious) response
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Option to choose a new path
Navigating The Stress Pathway – Making the Tough Choice
Something we all can understand is that making the choice to step away from an automatic response and instead choose a new path – this choice is tough.
It is almost always unpleasant and can even seem painful.
It can seem scary and daunting.
And, often, it feels impossible.
Which means that we should probably set some reasonable expectations for ourselves before we jump into the practice of making the tough choice. Before we set that expectation, allow me to dig into this idea of the tough choice just a little deeper.
To be crystal clear here, by tough choice, I mean that experience that we are all familiar with that is getting ourselves to actually do the thing that we know we should do – the thing that will lead to an improved outcome long term as opposed to satisfying our immediate desires (i.e. the automatic, subconscious decision).
Now, I’m going to confess something here – this task – the task that is getting ourselves to actually do the thing that will benefit us – the making of this choice is something I seriously struggle with conceptually (let alone, in practice). Over the years, I have gone back and forth as to what I believe my own self and others to be capable of as conscious beings. This means regularly questioning how much power we actually have over controlling our subconscious desires.
On the one hand, I live in a world where assertive voices continuously communicate the idea that the answer to doing the hard thing is simple: you “just do it.” This is the group that asserts it is all a force of will, and since the human brain has free will, we should always be able to make this tough choice.
On the other hand, I live a life in which I continuously interact with obstacles only to be taken down when I can’t find it in myself to “just do it.” I also live in a world where I often witness others beat down because they simply can’t get themselves to take the action that they desire, no matter how much they want it or how many times they try.
So, what gives? Are we humans really so special that we can override our impulses to make the tough choice if our will is strong enough, or, is there more to it?
As is usually the case, I believe that we all exist somewhere along the spectrum between the two. There are probably some things in life that we are very capable of “just doing” and I’m sure there are others that, no matter how much will we think we can muster, we simply just won’t do. Moreover, I know that there are some individuals who seem much more capable of successfully making the tough choice on a regular basis, while other individuals seem largely incapable of ever really making that tough choice.
Regardless of where you currently fall on the spectrum, the useful question for us is, if it’s true that there is a spectrum, how do we get ourselves closer to the end that enables us to take conscious control of our actions?
Now that that’s out of the way, about those expectations:
Given my own struggles with making the tough choice when faced with obstacles, along with my experience watching others as they struggle to align action with the desired outcome, my thoughts are that this is not a question that we will get a clear answer on today. Instead, this is better perceived as a life long process – one that we can work to continuously improve upon.
This means that I, at least, don’t set any sort of expectation for being able to move forward from today with an ability to always make the tough choice.
Instead, a good starting place for today may be to simply engage in the practice on a regular basis so that we are constantly improving, whatever end result ends up being.
Or, maybe you are at a place that you are ready to ask more of yourself. It could be that you are ready to take challenges on headfirst – to begin conquering your mind so that you make drastic changes in your life.
Whatever you decide is best for yourself at this time, I recommend moving forward with a balance of determination and compassion. If we want to be able to take on life’s obstacles in a beneficial manner, we need to ask more of ourselves – to be determined that yes, we can actually make the change that we want if we stick to it.
At the same time, it helps to understand that we are human – and this means that perfection is never a realistic goal.
Now, that we are clear on what we are asking of ourselves, let’s take a look at that practice. The following is what I have found to be useful to manage my own interaction with obstacles. This is how I get myself to a better place where I am more capable of making the tough choice.
I hope that it can provide some use for you as well.
Two Important Pieces of the Practice
Recall the Stress Management Pathway:
- Body perceives obstacle
- Automatic response
- Acknowledge response
- Choose a new path
Remember, as you go throughout life, #1 and #2 are going to happen. You will encounter obstacles and your body will respond automatically with a decision of its own. At this point, you then can become aware of the obstacle and your automatic response, and then you can decide to examine alternatives and pursue one that you deem to be a better option.
There are two pieces that are required before we can make that choice:
- Mindfulness – an ability to recognize that we have come across an obstacle and that the body has automatically responded
- Create a gap – an ability to pause so that we can recognize what has happened and examine alternatives
The first essential piece is to become aware of the fact that there is, indeed, an obstacle and that the body has responded in whatever way it has decided. If we can’t accomplish this first step that is being mindful of what has happened, then we are forever stuck in the cycle that is the presentation of an obstacle and an automatic response. If we are to step out of this cycle and choose a new course of action, we must get into the practice of recognizing what is.
The second essential piece is creating time and space to actually think through what has happened, what could happen, and to allow ourselves a moment to make a new choice. This gap is necessary so that once we recognize what has happened, we aren’t immediately launching into the body’s own response.
Once we are mindful of what is and have created space for other options, the choice exists as to what path you take. This choice is to:
- continue on with the automatic response
- pursue a new path that may be better aligned with desired outcomes
And at that point, that choice is completely up to you. I can’t help you here. What you eventually end up deciding – that’s in your realm and yours alone.
What I can keep helping you with is setting yourself up so that you have the best ability to make the right choice. To do so, let’s now take a look at how we can become more mindful and create space.
The Practice of Being Mindful and Creating Space
For today, let’s keep things simple. The fact of the matter is, you don’t have to overcomplicate this practice. What you do need is to employ it regularly.
That is, the following is something simple that you can begin working on right now without any fuss. What will produce results is your ability to use it often.
Here’s the practice:
As you encounter obstacles throughout the day, pay attention to the reception of the obstacle in your mind and body. Ask yourself, what did I encounter and how did I respond?
This is mindfulness – the ability to simply recognize what is happening in your mind and body.
Once we are mindful of the fact that something has happened that we may not agree to, we can then take just a few seconds to pause. In this gap, I recommend that you take a few breaths and then ask yourself if this automatic response what you really want to be doing.
Need some more guidance? Try this:
The moment you notice yourself responding negatively to an obstacle:
- pause
- take a breath in for two seconds
- let it out for four seconds
- repeat 3-5 times
- ask yourself, is this action aligned with my desired outcome?
The first secret here is to cultivate the ability to be mindful of what is happening in your mind – that is, to get familiar with your thoughts and feelings. Note that this is a practice of recognition and not one of judgment.
To help you cultivate this skill, I recommend establishing a mindfulness practice. My favorite option is the Ten Percent app (I have also used Headspace and Waking Up), but since there are so many options that exist today, feel free to explore different options to see what is best for you.
The second secret here is to use your breath to relax your nervous system. What tends to happen when we interact with an obstacle is that the sympathetic nervous system turns on. This system is responsible for kicking you into gear, and as it does so, it is going to get you to breathe quickly to suck in as much oxygen as possible (because you’ll need this extra oxygen to take on the obstacle).
This system will get you alert and focused as you take on the obstacle in a way that your body is programmed to. While this may be useful if there is actually an immediate threat (as in, if you come across a poisonous snake while heading down a trail, I would trust this system to get you away from the snake), it tends to impair our ability to think through other options that may suit us better.
To get yourself out of this system and into a state where you have more conscious control, you can use your breath to tell your mind that everything is actually okay – that you don’t really need all that extra oxygen and you don’t have to fight, freeze, or flee.
The secret here is to make your exhale twice as long as your inhale, communicating to your mind and body that everything is really okay. I prefer a 2 second in and 4 second out cycle, but feel free to play around with what works best for you.
Use these two tools to help you as you navigate stress in your life.
As you do, remember that a win doesn’t mean making the best decision each and every time. Instead, understand that this is a practice – one that you will get better at as you stick with it.
This means that a win could simply be noticing that you have responded negatively and that this doesn’t support you.
Or, a win could be noticing a negative pattern of responses to the same obstacle and simply understanding that this is automatic – out of your control – which means you can forgive yourself for these responses.
The Theory Behind the Practice
To finish up, let’s look at what is happening when we choose to engage in this practice regularly.
What we can all understand is that this practice would allow us to make better choices in real-time – that is, each time we encounter an obstacle, we would have a toolset for making the tough choice. This, itself, is useful because we are better equipped to take on the challenges of this world.
However, the true magic here is that there is another level that this practice operates at, and this level takes into account a change over time in our ability to make the tough choice.
This is to say, when we can consistently employ this practice to:
- successfully get ourselves to be mindful of our automatic responses
- create space to choose a new choice
- and finally make the tough choice
… when we do this regularly, what will happen is that one day, you will find that the tough choice isn’t as tough as you once thought. Rather, the tough choice becomes the automatic, subconscious choice.
That is, as you engage in this practice regularly, what happens is that you reprogram your mind so that it automatically makes what was once the tough decision. This leaves you with more time, energy, and space to use your mind to take on other obstacles of your choosing as you create the life you want to live.
Note that this magic isn’t the stuff of fantasy – it’s quite literally a restructuring of your brain cells so that future you is more capable of making even better decisions.
If you’re interested in this idea, I’ve got you covered – I devoted an entire page to the idea of Reprogramming your mind. So feel free to check it out.
Today though, I wish to leave you with focused attention on moving forward with your life as you employ this simple practice.
And, if you can combine it with the work done in the previous two installments, what you may find is that you become capable of navigating life’s obstacles with awareness of how you are responding, focused attention on choosing a better path aimed at beneficial outcomes of your own choosing, and ultimately, an ability to make the choice that leads you down a continuous path of improvement.